I won't give up

Jason Mraz

"I Won't Give Up"

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

I love these song lyrics.  Mine and Dane's song is Jason Mraz's "I'm yours".  It's a fun, adorable, playful love song and that perfectly describes our relationship in many ways...especially in the beginning.  As we've grown together and faced some trials together, this song above makes me think of my Dane and how much I love him.  I'm mostly thinking of this right now because my anxiety's been pretty high since we moved...mostly just at night, so I'm working through it and preparing for what postpartum might be like.  My postpartum and dealing with all of that is the hardest thing Dane and I have had to do together.  Him having to watch me struggle and not feel like he can help a ton and me struggling to feel peace.  I'm hoping with all that I'm doing to help myself things will be so much different for me this next time, but I'm also prepared that we might still be in for some difficult times.  

It's hard to go through trials, or repeat the same trials, but there are also so many blessings that come from them.  For one, I've really been able to see what a great team Dane and I make.  He is my rock in so many ways and I think somehow I've been a rock for him as well.  He's my best friend and I'm utterly devoted to him and he is beyond devoted to me.   Different lyrics in this song kinda feel like my anthem for my Dane, my boys, my Heavenly Father and myself.   My favorite lines are "Cause even the stars they burn, some even fall to the earth, We've got a lot to learn, God knows we're worth it, No I won't give up".  

Anyway...that's enough Sap for one night.  :) 

A little more hippy every day

I tell my friends all the time that the older I get, the more hippy I become.  It's my Seattle roots shining through.  Who am I to deny my roots?  I feel especially hippy since I've been pregnant.  And I mean no offense by the term hippy...I say it lovingly.  Granola would work too.  I've always had a little of this in me, I mean my favorite book growing up was, "101 ways to save our planet earth".  See?  It's my Seattle roots!

Anyway, in this pregnancy I have a Nurse midwife, am in the process of hiring a doula and I now have added to that list, an herbalist.  That's right, I have an herbalist.  And I have to say, I love her!  I love her office too.  She works in a gorgeous, old Victorian home and her office looked like some amazing oldschool Apothecary, with all of her herbs sitting on exposed wooden shelves.  And the whole place smelled like an Aveda salon...yum.  When I went in for my first consultation she brewed me a pregnancy tea and we chatted for an hour about herbally things.  At the end of the appointment she made me two tinctures (I think she calls them that?) of herbs that she poured and measured at her little wooden desk, while I watched.

I have one tonic that I take everyday to help strengthen my nervous system and sort of keep me calmer on the daily and another one for if I have a panic attack.   The interesting thing about these herbs is that they should also give me more energy, which usually doesn't happen with something to treat anxiety.  I said originally that I would just get on medicine if I had anxiety in pregnancy again, but as the pregnancy continues, I've decided to try using some natural methods first that don't put the baby at any risk (or make me gain a ton of weight) and see how those work for me.  My anxiety (if any) has been very low and only at night, on occasion, via a pit in my stomach.  Since taking the herbs I haven't had a night with any anxiety.  Maybe it's working?

I'm now almost half way along.  I'm a little over 17 weeks and in two weeks we find out if we're having a Remi or an Isaac.  We're so excited!  Morning sickness I would say is gone now, finally and I feel like I have more energy.

That's the update on all things hippy and baby for now!

PS  I now want an Aveda smelling room in my home.  Seriously, I felt sooo relaxed in that office.  Plus I worked for Aveda for like 5 years, so happy feelings all around!

A new song

After a great day spent with friends, I sat down to a yummy dinner of fish tacos with my little family.  After dinner Dane played with Boston (I could hear constant giggles coming from the living room) while I cleaned the giant mess of a kitchen and as an extra treat Daddy decided he wanted to put Boston to bed.  I actually really enjoy rocking Boss before bed, but I also don't mind Daddy stepping in every now and then.  Now Dane is doing some work, while I sit in a spotless house (isn't that the best feeling?) with dessert cooking in the oven.  Poor Boss...he always misses dessert.

As I'm fiddling away on my computer an amazing song I've never heard, popped up on my Pandora (LDS hymns of worship station, in case you're interested).  This song speaks to me and it's something I'll store away for a moment when I really need to hear these words.

Perfect Peace by Laura Story

Stay close by My side,
Keep your eyes on Me,
Though this life is hard,
I will give you perfect peace,

In this time of trial,
Pain that no one sees,
Trust me when I say,
I will give you perfect peace,

And you'll never walk alone,
And you'll never be in need,
Though I may not calm the storms around you,
You can hide in Me,

Burdens that you bear,
Offer no relief,
Let Me bear your load,
Cause I will give you perfect peace,

Stay close by My side,
And you'll never walk alone,
Keep your eyes on Me,
And you will never be in need,
Though this life is hard,
Know that I will always give you perfect peace,
I will give you perfect peace...

For obvious reasons this song speaks to me.  Over the last couple years I've been learning to let the Savior bear my burdens with me, especially when I feel I can't take anymore on and I've found peace, even in unchanged circumstances, even in times of anxiety (which to me is the opposite of peace).  I'm glad I have that knowledge that the Savior is there whenever I need him.  Some people don't know that, or don't believe it, and I feel sad for them, because I don't know how they bear their burdens without that hope, and faith in a higher power. 

Here's a link to the song.

Nutrition and Anxiety and a little Family home evening idea

After we got Boston's picture with Santa

So I've been off my medicine for 6 days now and I feel great.  My doctor and pharmacist think I probably won't have much withdrawal symptoms since I weaned so slowly.  Withdrawal's probably not the right word, since the medicine I was on isn't addictive at all, but if I understand things correctly my brain probably wasn't producing much serotonin (the happy feel goody stuff in your brain) while I was on the meds cause the meds did the job for me, but since I weaned so slowly my brain had time to start producing serotonin again while I still had little bits of the medicine in me.  (A Dr. would probably cringe just reading my explanation of that).  So, that's my not so eloquent way of saying I feel great and I've got good reason to believe I will continue to feel that way. 

When my anxiety started I prayed a TON for help and an answer that continued to come back to me was "nutrition."  Nutrition, nutrition, nutrition.  I haven't known quite where to start, but since Boston was born I felt impressed that If I made a lifestyle change with the way I eat, I could save myself a ton of grief from anxiety.

A little less than a month ago (when I had a mini panic attack that I mentioned in a previous post) I felt really freaked out and even a little bitter toward the Lord, thinking, "what the heck?!  I'm doing everything I should, to eliminate this anxiety and now it might be coming back?!" but I was quickly humbled by the immediate thought of, "NUTRITION".  So I decided it was HIGH time I really make that a priority.  I was talking to a sister about this and she connected me with a close friend of hers that's like a health nut guru.  She's amazing!  She told me that sugar and caffeine are really bad for anxiety and she practically eliminated her anxiety by cutting those two things out of her diet.  After talking to her I realized why I so badly needed to change my eating habits.  Sugar was a HUGE part of my diet.  I have a giant sweet tooth and candies and sweets were apart of my daily life...caffeine not so much, but sugar, definitely.  I talked with her about some ideas and plans and one week before I started on my lowest dose of meds, I cut out any sugar that doesn't come naturally in foods (basically honey and fruit are the only sugar I intake now). 

I thought it would be INSANELY difficult, but it's one of the easiest things I've ever done.  I'm sure a big part of that is the Lord giving me a giant helping hand, but I also have excellent motivation.  Cut out sugar and I can quite possibly eliminate anxiety?  Sign me up!  So for almost a month I've cut out caffeine (which meant I had to cut out the occasional soda and chocolate) and all unnatural or processed sugar. 

A website that I found really helpful is THIS.  It lists 50 other names for sugar.  Did you know sugar hides in almost EVERYTHING WE EAT, under names that sound nothing like sugar?  I practically have this list memorized so now I never read nutrition labels (I think they're kinda crap) and I just read ingredients.  I am a lot pickier about the things I buy, but because I'm not eating sugar I end up avoiding a lot of processed junk as well.  The really great part is I'm still able to enjoy a WIDE variety of foods.  I still eat chips and salsa, bread (great harvest has some delicious, sugarless breads and the ingredients are on the labels), popcorn, smoothies, and the list goes on.  I just have to be more specific about what brands I buy.  The other thing that's really great about this? I usually end up eating foods with under 5 ingredients all of which I understand! 

My sister's friend also suggested I start a food journal and write down briefly what I eat and how I feel before and after and that will teach me to listen to my body better and be aware of what it's telling me.  For the first couple days I realized every time I ate I started out not hungry.  Sad huh?  So that tells me that I eat most the time just cause I'm bored or for other reasons, but not because my body needs nourishment. 

Now this isn't the easiest time of year to make these big changes, in fact the day before I decided on this  I went to Costco and bought a yummy salsa (sugar added), Costco's amazing muffins and a giant bag of rolls (luckily friends were more than happy to take those items off my hands) but I've still been able to be successful.  There have been two times I've allowed myself sugar.  On Thanksgiving I ate everything on the table including pumpkin pie, and a slice the next day for breakfast.  But my sister's friend helped me to look at these moments as learning experiences.  She said to me, "I haven't had cake in a long time, but I know at some point I will have a piece and when I do I know it will make me feel like crap and it will just prove to me why I'm doing this".  I like thinking of those lapses in nutrition as learning experiences rather than failures.  And at Thanksgiving I paid for those sweets in dizziness, a little anxiety and headaches.  The 2nd time I had sugar was tonight on a Christmas drive to look at the lights with Dane and Boss.  I got a Starbucks peppermint hot cocoa.  It was tasty, but I immediately felt nauseous and now have a headache and feel flu like and It may cause me some anxiety.

The thing is I don't regret the times I've decided to have sweets, but when I do I kinda see it's not that worth it.  Sugar doesn't taste as good as it used to and my body feels like crap when it has it.  And I don't feel like a failure, because I remember that this is my new life style, not a speed diet.  At Christmas I probably will allow some sugar in some of my favorite Christmas treats, but then I'll just hop back to it like I've done.  I've been to lots of Holiday events with treats galore and I've just opted out and i've felt great about it.  Sugar doesn't have as much a hold on me.  It's really just not that big a deal anymore to not have it.  This time of year I enjoy making holiday treats, so when I get the urge I bake them, leave a couple for Dane and then send him off to work with the rest to give to his co workers.  It's a win-win!

I've also lost a few lbs in the process (which isn't my ultimate goal with this sugarless thing, but a wonderful side effect). 
Oh!  And a great substitute for hot cocoa is tea!  My friend sent me a list of delicious teas.  I also have some relaxing sleepy time teas on hand in case I do have anxiety, that might calm me a bit.  And I've heard passion flower (in a pill or tea) can be GREAT for anxiety as well.

In other news, Dane lead a wonderful family home evening tonight.  We read THIS article and then took the gratitude challenge.  Together we came up with 200 things (in specific categories listed in the article) that we're grateful for.  We had Christmas music playing, and Boston climbing all over us while we thought about all of our many blessings.  It was a really touching experience and I got all teary eyed as I looked at this giant list of blessings that only BARELY skim the surface of our MANY blessings.  I suggest you all read this article (Mormon or not) and take the gratitude challenge.  It makes for a really pleasant and humbling night. 

Wow this is a long post!  Hope this helps someone.  :)

PS If you want our Christmas letter and picture card this year leave a comment below or send me an email (jillbradbury@yahoo.com) unless I already have your address.  :) 

Update on Medicine and thoughts on Postpartum...and just life in general!

So I thought I would update those that are curious on the whole postpartum anxiety/medicine business.  I started my medicine (Celexa) in January and since August I have SLOOWLLY been weaning off.  My anxiety was entirely gone once the medicine really started kicking in and life was great!  It was recommended that I stay on the medicine for 6-9 months after I felt like my normal self.  I started to feel like myself (fully) in March or April so I decided to do a really slow, slow wean, because I wanted to spare myself as much "crazy" as possible.  My medicine was at 40 mg. and in August I brought it back down to 20 mg.  every day.  I stayed on that for about a month or so (maybe a little longer) and then started taking 20 mg every other day.  I did that for another month and then brought it down to 10 mg. every day. I did the 10 mg for about a month and then for 3 weeks I did 10 mg every other day and for 2 weeks have been taking 10 mg every 3 days.  Tonight will be my last dose!

I'm a wee bit nervous, but also feeling pretty ready.  My OB told me that I will probably experience anxiety symptoms for about 6 weeks and then (if my body is in fact ready to be off the medicine) I will be my normal little self!  In this process of weaning I seemed to have a rough couple days whenever I transitioned.  The worst was when I started taking the 10 mg every other day and then every 3 days.  I had two days (not together) that I woke up with a MAJOR temper that peaked and then I just broke into tears for the majority of the day.  I felt so weird and not myself at all.  It was odd because I didn't feel the same symptoms of anxiety that I was used to.  Instead I just felt super moody and weepy and could not keep myself from bawling.  It kinda reminded me of the baby blues I felt for a couple days right after Boston was born.  I would cry and had no idea what or if anything was making me sad, I just could not stop crying.

So other than those transition days my anxiety has been pretty well under wraps.  It's increased a bit since I've been really low on the medicine, but it's very manageable and not at all, all consuming.  I did have one 10 second panic attack once (when I was on a transition day) and it FREAKED me out.  It reminded me how horrible anxiety can be and then made me feel SO grateful that I am not dealing with that anymore. 

I think the hardest part about this whole process is worrying about it returning.  That thought alone can cause anxiety.  It's also hard for me that my anxiety seems to be all wrapped up with the baby business. If you know me, then you know I want about a million babies, and I love being a Mom.  Nothing has brought me more joy (which Is why I'd like to do this over and over), so for a long time it was hard for me to accept the fact that there's a strong likelihood I will have to go through hell and back each time I have baby.  At first I felt robbed of my experience and felt like "I'm a good Mom.  I'm someone that would be willing and happy to bring a ton of children here, so it really sucks that this might get in the way of all that". 

But It quickly hit me that most people do go through hell and back at some point when it comes to their children.  For some, the trial is just getting their children here.  For others it can be going through incredibly difficult pregnancies or adoption processes and for some those trials may not come until much further down the road.  I also realized that just because we have a righteous desire, it doesn't mean we will get it how or when we want.  None of us are spared from trials and it isn't about each of us having the same, or equal amounts of trials. 

We go through difficult things and some of us go through more or less than others, but none of that has anything to do with God's love for us.  I certainly can't explain why I was born into a loving home, and provided with not only my needs but most of my wants, while others are born into poverty, disease and war on their home front.  Nor can I explain why my postpartum was so difficult, while some others don't seem to have a hard time at all.  All I know is it has nothing to do with God's love for us.  He loves us all equally, but he has different plans for each of us.  What I do believe is that this life is about learning, growing, helping others and experiencing joy.  And through my personal experience I have learned that we will be provided with enough times of peace and joy to get us through to the next challenge and opportunity for more growth. 

I think we sometimes mistake the purpose of this life.  Yes we are meant to have joy, but we came here to grow our character and become like Christ. Christ certainly didn't have a trial free life and neither will we.  Eternity is our time to have everlasting joy and peace and now is the time to learn and grow.  If we're really starting to figure things out we'll learn how to have joy amidst the trials.  I guess that's one thing I'm grateful for with my postpartum, it came on when I received one of the biggest blessings of my life, so it was easy to experience mass amounts of joy in the midst of a big trial.  Hopefully I can remember to do that when my next trial hits.  Right now my life's in a state of peace and lots of joy and I know more trials will come my way, but instead of worrying about when and what those trials will be, I'm just trying to be grateful for this time of peace.  I never knew what a blessing just having peace of mind is, until I experienced the exact opposite.

Anyway, I kinda got off track, but I've learned a lot about anxiety and how to deal with it and I think that will help me the next time around.  About 15 months ago when all this anxiety hit I cringed at the thought of it continuing on for even another minute, I just wanted it to leave as instantly as it came on, but looking back I feel empowered with all that I've learned.  My testimony has been tested and grown so much and I actually feel grateful that the Lord trusted me enough with this trial.  It shows me that he has a LOT of faith in me and I'm starting to gain that faith in myself.  None of that would of happened if I didn't have to work so hard to get through this trial.

So I'll keep you all posted on how things go post meds.  :)  I also have been talking to a good friend of my sisters and she encouraged me to go off sugar and caffeine, because they're really bad for anxiety, so for a few weeks I've been totally off caffeine and all forms of processed sugar.  I only eat "natural sugars" (I guess you would call it) that are found in fruit or honey.  And it hasn't been that hard at all!  I did take a break on Thanksgiving and paid for it in headaches and dizziness, but after Thanksgiving I jumped right back on board and am feeling pretty great. 

Wish me luck!