Update on Medicine and thoughts on Postpartum...and just life in general!

So I thought I would update those that are curious on the whole postpartum anxiety/medicine business.  I started my medicine (Celexa) in January and since August I have SLOOWLLY been weaning off.  My anxiety was entirely gone once the medicine really started kicking in and life was great!  It was recommended that I stay on the medicine for 6-9 months after I felt like my normal self.  I started to feel like myself (fully) in March or April so I decided to do a really slow, slow wean, because I wanted to spare myself as much "crazy" as possible.  My medicine was at 40 mg. and in August I brought it back down to 20 mg.  every day.  I stayed on that for about a month or so (maybe a little longer) and then started taking 20 mg every other day.  I did that for another month and then brought it down to 10 mg. every day. I did the 10 mg for about a month and then for 3 weeks I did 10 mg every other day and for 2 weeks have been taking 10 mg every 3 days.  Tonight will be my last dose!

I'm a wee bit nervous, but also feeling pretty ready.  My OB told me that I will probably experience anxiety symptoms for about 6 weeks and then (if my body is in fact ready to be off the medicine) I will be my normal little self!  In this process of weaning I seemed to have a rough couple days whenever I transitioned.  The worst was when I started taking the 10 mg every other day and then every 3 days.  I had two days (not together) that I woke up with a MAJOR temper that peaked and then I just broke into tears for the majority of the day.  I felt so weird and not myself at all.  It was odd because I didn't feel the same symptoms of anxiety that I was used to.  Instead I just felt super moody and weepy and could not keep myself from bawling.  It kinda reminded me of the baby blues I felt for a couple days right after Boston was born.  I would cry and had no idea what or if anything was making me sad, I just could not stop crying.

So other than those transition days my anxiety has been pretty well under wraps.  It's increased a bit since I've been really low on the medicine, but it's very manageable and not at all, all consuming.  I did have one 10 second panic attack once (when I was on a transition day) and it FREAKED me out.  It reminded me how horrible anxiety can be and then made me feel SO grateful that I am not dealing with that anymore. 

I think the hardest part about this whole process is worrying about it returning.  That thought alone can cause anxiety.  It's also hard for me that my anxiety seems to be all wrapped up with the baby business. If you know me, then you know I want about a million babies, and I love being a Mom.  Nothing has brought me more joy (which Is why I'd like to do this over and over), so for a long time it was hard for me to accept the fact that there's a strong likelihood I will have to go through hell and back each time I have baby.  At first I felt robbed of my experience and felt like "I'm a good Mom.  I'm someone that would be willing and happy to bring a ton of children here, so it really sucks that this might get in the way of all that". 

But It quickly hit me that most people do go through hell and back at some point when it comes to their children.  For some, the trial is just getting their children here.  For others it can be going through incredibly difficult pregnancies or adoption processes and for some those trials may not come until much further down the road.  I also realized that just because we have a righteous desire, it doesn't mean we will get it how or when we want.  None of us are spared from trials and it isn't about each of us having the same, or equal amounts of trials. 

We go through difficult things and some of us go through more or less than others, but none of that has anything to do with God's love for us.  I certainly can't explain why I was born into a loving home, and provided with not only my needs but most of my wants, while others are born into poverty, disease and war on their home front.  Nor can I explain why my postpartum was so difficult, while some others don't seem to have a hard time at all.  All I know is it has nothing to do with God's love for us.  He loves us all equally, but he has different plans for each of us.  What I do believe is that this life is about learning, growing, helping others and experiencing joy.  And through my personal experience I have learned that we will be provided with enough times of peace and joy to get us through to the next challenge and opportunity for more growth. 

I think we sometimes mistake the purpose of this life.  Yes we are meant to have joy, but we came here to grow our character and become like Christ. Christ certainly didn't have a trial free life and neither will we.  Eternity is our time to have everlasting joy and peace and now is the time to learn and grow.  If we're really starting to figure things out we'll learn how to have joy amidst the trials.  I guess that's one thing I'm grateful for with my postpartum, it came on when I received one of the biggest blessings of my life, so it was easy to experience mass amounts of joy in the midst of a big trial.  Hopefully I can remember to do that when my next trial hits.  Right now my life's in a state of peace and lots of joy and I know more trials will come my way, but instead of worrying about when and what those trials will be, I'm just trying to be grateful for this time of peace.  I never knew what a blessing just having peace of mind is, until I experienced the exact opposite.

Anyway, I kinda got off track, but I've learned a lot about anxiety and how to deal with it and I think that will help me the next time around.  About 15 months ago when all this anxiety hit I cringed at the thought of it continuing on for even another minute, I just wanted it to leave as instantly as it came on, but looking back I feel empowered with all that I've learned.  My testimony has been tested and grown so much and I actually feel grateful that the Lord trusted me enough with this trial.  It shows me that he has a LOT of faith in me and I'm starting to gain that faith in myself.  None of that would of happened if I didn't have to work so hard to get through this trial.

So I'll keep you all posted on how things go post meds.  :)  I also have been talking to a good friend of my sisters and she encouraged me to go off sugar and caffeine, because they're really bad for anxiety, so for a few weeks I've been totally off caffeine and all forms of processed sugar.  I only eat "natural sugars" (I guess you would call it) that are found in fruit or honey.  And it hasn't been that hard at all!  I did take a break on Thanksgiving and paid for it in headaches and dizziness, but after Thanksgiving I jumped right back on board and am feeling pretty great. 

Wish me luck!