For starters my anxiety has come back. It had gone away entirely and then was mostly away, but this last week it came back pretty strong, mostly just at night. I was beginning to feel really discouraged again and this time a little depressed, because I felt that I should be over this by now. I spent most of the last week praying... a lot, holding and kissing Boston, and then, when Bosty was in bed, crying while Dane held and kissed me. I felt pretty weak and this also discouraged me. I felt just plain mad that I was dealing with this and I was READY to be done. I called my Mom one night crying and telling her that I was over this. Sick of this. And I would not do it anymore ("it" meaning fight against these awful anxious and now pretty depressive feelings). After I hung up with my Mom I realized that I was all talk, and I couldn't just give up. That's just not an option. So Dane and I knelt down and prayed. He gave me a blessing and then we sat up and talked about our favorite memories together. I have to say Dane and I have years filled with wonderful memories, but over half of our favorite's were from the last 4 months. I never have had a time in my life that I have experienced my lowest moments right along side of the very best of my entire life. I'm sure there are a lot of lessons to be learned in that principle right there.
I had spent the week calling Doctor after Doctor to see if there is someone that has experience dealing with postpartum mood disorders. I wasn't having much luck. Noone was calling me back and I was starting to feel desperate. Wednesday finally rolled around and I was excited to join in that conference call I had told you all about, because I would get to speak with a doctor that specializes in Postpartum mood disorders. I set my alarm to make sure I wouldn't miss the call. I called. Then I sat and waited on the phone for 45 minutes. I could tell Dane was getting anxious (he didn't want to see me get disappointed) and I was starting to feel a little anxious myself.
The operator came on the line and told me the facilitator would not be showing up tonight, but she had no further information for me. I got off the phone and cried. I was worried this would trigger more panic attacks or worse, depression, or a sleepless night. But then I decided that I would just trust that the Lord is totally aware of my situation and he is guiding me...it will all be ok, I just gotta wait it out one more night...tomorrow will just have to be better than today was. And it was! The next day was so so much better. I got about 20 calls from all different doctors talking to me about my situation and guiding me toward better qualified doctors. I felt hope again! My sister told me about 2 of her friends who went through very similar postpartum issues and I talked with both of them. Now I was feeling normal! The day just continued to get better and better the more advice I received and the closer I came to finding the right person to help me. I also received a call back from the support line and they informed me that a family member had died (at this point I felt a little guilty for being SO mad at the facilitator) and that's why the facilitator didn't show up. I would call that a pretty valid excuse. So I am gonna call in again next Wednesday and see how that goes!
So like I said the week had it's ups and downs but it is ending on an up! So that is great and in the mean time I live with two really cute guys that are great distractions from all of the yuckiness. :)
I have to say, during this time I have learned so much about myself, my sweet husband and my Heavenly Father. Through each of my trials (the big and the little ones) I have felt that much closer to the Lord and am more and more sure that he does live. He does watch over us. and he most definitely cares about us and what we are going through. I'm so grateful that I have that knowledge. It would be a tough road without it. :) PS I wrote another Letter To Boston.
3 comments:
I think it's so important for people to talk (and blog) about these kind of situations honestly and candidly, as a help to other people going through it. You are awesome to be willing to do that. It makes me sad when I read someone's blog that says motherhood is all rainbows and sunshine and happiness and giggles. I think to myself, "You're not doing anyone any favors by masking your challenges." So, thanks again for being willing to be honest. You rock.
Thanks Linds! I agree with ya. It has SO many wonderful things, but you're kidding yourself if you pretend like there are NO hard things and It's nice for me to write it out, but I also just want other people to not feel alone.. plus I had to do a lot of research before I could figure out what was going on with me, so I wanted to throw it out there in case anyone was feeling the same. :)
Jilly, this is an amazing blog! I'm so sorry about everything. :( With Ashlynn, I went through sort of the same thing (not as severe). I felt depressed, and VERY, VERY, nervous, afraid that bad things would happen. I know this sounds odd, but, check your birth control. I stopped taking mine and ALL of the symptoms went away. A lot of these symptoms are because of hormone imbalance (my mom helps people with hormone problems). Your hormones are up and down, trying to get back to PRE baby. Try find someone who does Bio Identical Hormone Therapy. They'll be able to help! Hang in there!
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